I had something like 2500 submissions, I had to delete them all.
I'm busy, tired and angry recently, I'm starting to hate a lot of people, and this is not good. I'm working hard to finish commissions and trades, then I think I'll stop to make trades and commissions for a bit.
Too many regrets in my life.

Aledon Rex
Allosaurus of darkness and water [link]
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On Furaffinity I asked if I have to stop to draw because I'm not feeling happy when I draw and a lot of people replied "absolutely not, take a break if you want, but don't stop to draw, it's silly".
I made a decision for now: I will not draw anything for me, I'll just draw for other people. Why?
Because it seems that I feel anger only when I draw for myself, when I draw something I like. This for porn and clean art, even if this is more evident with adult art.
Why do I feel anger? Mostly because I'm not able to draw what I want in the way I want. Mostly because I like too much what I'm drawing that even a little mistake makes me disappointed, and trying to fix it repeatedly makes me angry.
Also, there's a lot of things bugging me, the most important are:
I see other people improving while I don't, I see people attending art school/courses while I can't. I'm still angry because my parents didn't help me to attend an art school/course but they, instead, thwarted me. I need people near me to draw with and to do art trades. I need people that like what I like.
I'm starting to see myself as second rate artist while my few friends are slowly becoming excellent artists.
Also, I can't forgive my parents and I hate them because of this situation.
Also, I hate myself for thinking those things.

I started to draw because I wanted to change the world trough my art, but recently it was to give vent to my feelings. Adult art was a way to express things I can't feel and express in real life.
But now... I can feel only anger when it comes to draw things for me. And from anger nothing good can born.

So I made a decision, for now, I will draw pictures for other people only, because I am not emotionally involved in pictures for other people.
I think it's good for now... better than don't draw anymore.
Please forgive me.

On a related note, today is my birthday. I'm 26 year old now.
I would like to receive a lot of gifts, I would like to receive a lot of GOOD gifts. I would like to receive a lot of art depicting the characters I like.
I know I'm egoist, because I didn't do anything for other people, but It can't be helped, I can't stop to feel it.
I would have liked to go out for a pizza with my friends and chat like silly people as always, but we can't meet because of a lot of reasons.

Again, thank you for reading me and supporting me.
I'm writing those things because I need to exercise myself with English and I promised myself to don't keep my feelings inside me, because it can only destroy me and friendship with my friends.
So, please forgive me if I suddenly changed.
This is a changing time for me.

Thank you very much for your support,
Aledon Rex

Thank you to everybody wrote in my previous journal "What is friendship? ".
I don't have the will to reply to everybody because my mind is still a mess, but I appreciate your comments.

Lately is a strange period for a lot of reasons.
Also I think I'm changing inside me and this makes me insecure.
Also next week is my birthday (I will be 26 yo on 21th, February) and this makes me very nervous.

Thank you everybody who cares about me.


As usual my English sucks

In these days, I was deeply thinking about what friendship means for people.
I remember when I had a lot of nice friends some years ago, we were very close to each other. We passed trough happy and sad moments. We shared a lot of adventures. I remember when a friend's car had a perforated wheel, and he didn't have a car jack, we helped him lift ingthe car with our strenght to change the damaged wheel. I also remember when we "fought" against our friend's girlfriend (she was a real b***h) because she was ruining his life.
I remember when a friend of mine was struggling to get a girlfriend because of his loneliness.
I remember when I was very depressed and my friends were with me day and night, and so I did I for them.
I lost the count of matches at King of Fighters '98 we had.
A lot of times Ema, my best friend, touched my shoulder to give me courage.
I remember my past with a great smile, a lot of things happened, but I always had my friends very close to me.

and now?

Too often I see that friendship isn't not so important.
I see that today, friends are only for laughing behind other people, for talkimg about "gals and chicks", for talking about sex and how much girls you f****d. I see that friends are only to share stupid things or happy things.
But when it comes to face dangerous situations or emotional situations, friendship is no more an existing feeling.
You have a problem? You will likely receive this kind of reply: "I'm sorry, I can't, I'm very busy and I can't help you, try to ask to..."
If you want to talk about yourself and your feelings, then you'll receive a "please, don't say emo things" or "I'm not in the mood for emo things".
Worst of all, sometimes you'll never get a reply and you'll be simply ignored.

During only the last month, three friends of mine have run into this kind of so-called friends. This made me very sad and angry.

I'm truly disappointed in how the meaning of friendship changed in people's minds lately.
I used to consider friends like brothers, but now... what do I have to think? That a friend is only someone to meet when I'm bored? Someone that I use to talk behind other people's backs? Someone I use as excuse to do or not to do things?
Is this the meaning of friendship today?



Aledon Rex
Allosaurus of darkness and water [link]
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Hello everyone!
It's been a long time since I wrote a Journal here or I have uploaded something. Many things happened. I had to buy a new pc and stuff.
Yesterday happened the worst thing, I had a car crash.
Fortunately I wasn't injured, but I have to scrap my beloved Ford Fiesta '92.
SHE was my first car ad I loved HER very much. We had a lot of adventures.
It was a very good relationship.

Now I have to buy a new car ;___;
Not the best thing right now, because I don't have a lot of money and my part time job doesn't allow me to buy a new car, I have to search for a used one.
But I repeat, at least, fortunately, I'm not injured.

And speaking about art:
I'm exiting from some problems and from my art block finally, so expect uploads in the next few days
I'm starting to draw every art trade I promised and I was requested. I haven't forgot you, don't worry.
I have a long list, but day by day I'll finish every promised picture

Until next time, see you

Aledon Rex
Allosaurus of darkness and water [link]
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